What Realy Goes On ONboard Voyager, a PADD Story
by Lady Trek
Summary: Just like the title says. Synopsis: What Paramount and UPN don't show you about the Crew. Seven and B'Elanna beating up Tom...harry and Kathryn gettin' together...what more could you ask for in a fic? (don't answer that...)
1. Part One: Seven goes crazy..crazier I me...

What REALLY Goes on onboard Voyager, a PADD story  
  
Author: Kendal Campbell, Kendal_86@hotmail.com  
Disclaimers: Well, I don't own nothin but the ideas.  
Synopsis: What Paramount and UPN don't show you about the Crew.  
Rating: erm, PG:13-ish. Slash implied.   
  
I'm not used to writing this kinda stuff. It's really not a real big 'shipper peice, just focusing on the daily meanderings of the crew....slash IS implied, so if you are like totally squeamish about that kinda stuff, don't bother reading this. I'ts really very innocent, and not really suggesting anything...much.  
Anyway, on with the fic!  
  
  
* * * *  
  
To: Chakotay, Commander Starship Voyager and dead-man   
From: A Very Peeved off B'Elanna Torres  
Subject: Dead Borg  
Time Sent: 09:47 hours  
  
Chakotay, get this Blonde Borg Bimbo away from me now! She is relating stories about her hair- Her HAIR, Chakotay!  
I swear to you, I will decapitate her limb by limb if she doesn't get the hell away from me and my 'core!  
  
~B'Elanna  
  
  
  
* * * *  
  
To: Janeway, the Best Captain in the Quadrant  
From: Chakotay, your overworked XO  
Subject: Help!  
Time sent: 09:57 hours  
  
Captain…we might have a problem. Seven is down in engineering assaulting B'Elanna with her hair..or something like that. I just...I don't know, Kathryn. Are you sure we should have kept her on the Regeneration Alcove? You know how she is every time she gets finished with a cycle…..I'm beginning to fear for the crew's mental safety.  
Please, do something more than lock her in the Cargo Bay this time. She only regenerates contunuosly..which makes problems worse. I don't know, maybe send her to the Doctor for a lecture on….something.  
But PLEASE do something so B'Elanna wont have to kill her...I'm rather fond of looking at her...  
  
~Chakotay  
  
====Original Message=====  
To: Chakotay, Commander Starship Voyager and dead-man   
From: A Very Peeved off B'Elanna Torres  
Subject: Dead Borg  
Time Sent: 09:47 hours  
  
Chakotay, get this Blonde Borg Bimbo away from me now! She is relating stories   
about her hair- Her HAIR, Chakotay!  
I swear to you, I will decapitate her limb by limb if she doesn't get the hell away from   
me and my 'core!  
  
~B'Elanna  
  
  
  
  
* * * *  
  
To: EMH, The Doctor  
From: Janeway, Kathryn, Captain Starship Voyager  
Subject: Seven, and other stuff RE: HELP! RE: Dead Borg  
Time Sent: 10:14 hours  
  
Doc, Sevens malfunctioning again. Could you get her to stop going on about her hair? Lecture her about her mental and physical safety if she doesn't stop. Or better yet, shave the damn stuff off!  
By the way, I have a date tonight…so I'll be down for my monthly a bit later.  
See you soon!  
  
=====Original Message=====  
To: Janeway, the Best Captain in the Quadrant  
From: Chakotay, your overworked XO  
Subject: Help! RE: Dead Borg  
Time sent: 09:57 hours  
  
Captain, we might have a problem. Seven is down in engineering assaulting B'Elanna   
with her hair..or something like that. I just...I don't know, Kathryn. Are you sure we   
should have kept her on the Regeneration Alcove? You know how she is every time she   
gets finished with a cycle...I'm beginning to fear for the crew's mental safety.  
Please, do something more than lock her in the Cargo Bay this time. She only   
regenerates contunuosly..which makes problems worse. I don't know, maybe send her   
to the Doctor for a lecture on...something.  
But PLEASE do something so B'Elanna wont have to kill her...I'm rather fond of   
looking at her...  
  
~Chakotay  
  
====Original Message=====  
To: Chakotay, Commander Starship Voyager and dead-man   
From: A Very Peeved off B'Elanna Torres  
Subject: Dead Borg  
Time Sent: 09:47 hours  
  
Chakotay, get this Blonde Borg Bimbo away from me now! She is relating stories   
about her hair- Her HAIR, Chakotay!  
I swear to you, I will decapitate her limb by limb if she doesn't get the hell away from   
me and my 'core!  
  
~B'Elanna  
  
  
  
  
* * * *  
  
To: Seven Of Nine, Hair Queen  
  
From: Tom Paris, Resident Fly Boy  
Subject: If you would like some company...  
Time sent: 10:25 hours  
  
Sev,  
I'm going to go to my quarters for lunch...you're more than welcome to join me if you wish..  
  
~Tommy boy  
  
  
  
  
* * * *   
  
To: Lieutenant Tom Paris  
From: Seven of Nine, Tertiary Adjunct to Unimatrix Zero-One  
Subject: PIG!!!!! RE: If you would like some company...  
Time sent: 10:30 hours  
  
OHH!!! I don't know whether to throttle you, or maim you with my Bat'leth! We're OVER, Tom! You Hear me you little weasley pig faced double timing S.O.B.!  
  
~Torres  
  
=====Original Message=====  
From: Tom Paris, Resident Fly Boy  
Subject: If you would like some company...  
Time sent: 10:25 hours  
Sev,  
I'm going to go to my quarters for lunch...you're more than welcome to join me if   
you wish..  
  
~Tommy boy  
  
  
  
  
* * * *  
  
To: B'Elanna Torres  
CC: Seven of Nine  
From: Tom Paris  
Subject: What the hell? RE: PIG!!!!! RE: If you want some company...  
Time sent: 10:41 hours  
  
What is going on? B'ella, why do you have Seven's PADD? Seven, what in the name of all that's holy is going on?!?!?!  
  
~A Very confused and innocent Tom Paris  
  
=====Original Message=====  
To: Lieutenant Tom Paris  
From: Seven of Nine, Tertiary Adjunct to Unimatrix Zero-One  
Subject: PIG!!!!! RE: If you want some company...  
Time Sent: 10:30 hours  
  
OHH!!! I don't know whether to throttle you, or maim you with my Bat'leth! We're   
OVER, Tom! You Hear me you little weasley pig faced double timing S.O.B.  
  
~Torres  
  
=====Original Message=====  
From: Tom Paris, Resident Fly Boy  
Subject: If you would like some company...  
Time sent: 10:25 hours  
Sev,  
I'm going to go to my quarters for lunch...you're more than welcome to join me if   
you wish..  
  
~Tommy boy  
  
  
  
  
* * * *  
  
To: Tom  
CC: Seven  
From: B'Ellanna  
Subject: HEHE!! RE: What the hell? RE: PIG!!!!!  
Time Sent: 10:59 hours  
  
Tommy,   
You see, it's really quite simple. I was (or so she says) annoying Bee, so she got mad threw me out of Engineering. Wellll, you know how Klingons are and their weird mating...thingies, and I suppose I must've triggered somethting when I hit her back...  
Well, to make a long story short, our PADDS got switched...and now we have each others. Funny, ain't it?  
Not really as funny as my hair looked this morning.   
You see, I got out of my alcove just like normal. Well, I did my log and went to astrometrics to do my work as usual. So this crewman comes in, and immediately starts laughing. I start bouncing up and down, 'cause I wanted to know the joke too, y'know?  
He gets this REALLY weird expression on his face, and faints. I dunno. Maybe it was somehting to do with my broken bra.  
Anyway, I call the doc and ask him about my hair, 'cause if there's something wrong with it, I can't go about my work!  
So I went to sickbay, and he started laughing- stupid mechanical meanie- well, anyway, I had gotten something on my brush when I went to brush it 1000.8 times, as per usual. So it was sticking like...straight up. I swear, I was like that guy...Kirk! Y'know, when he tried to use a tribble as a toupee.  
  
Sorry about that Tom. This is Bee. What she said was true...if not exaggeurated. I'm afraid we're over...she's much better anyway.  
See you around, Tom.  
  
~Seven, and the Right-minded B'Elanna  
  
=====Original Message=====  
To: B'Elanna Torres  
CC: Seven of Nine  
From: Tom Paris  
Subject: What the hell? RE: PIG!!!!! RE: If you want some company...  
Time sent: 10:41 hours  
  
What is going on? B'ella, why do you have Seven's PADD? Seven, what in the name   
of all that's holy is going on?!?!?!  
  
~A Very confused and innocent Tom Paris  
  
=====Original Message=====  
To: Lieutenant Tom Paris  
From: Seven of Nine, Tertiary Adjunct to Unimatrix Zero-One  
Subject: PIG!!!!! RE: If you want some company…  
Time Sent: 10:30 hours  
  
OHH!!! I don't know whether to throttle you, or maim you with my Bat'leth! We're   
OVER, Tom! You Hear me you little weasley pig faced double timing S.O.B.  
~Torres  
  
=====Original Message=====  
From: Tom Paris, Resident Fly Boy  
Subject: If you would like some company…  
Time sent: 10:25 hours  
Sev,  
I'm going to go to my quarters for lunch…..you're more than welcome to join me if   
you wish..  
  
~Tommy boy  
  
  
  
  
* * * *   
  
To: Captain Kathryn M. Janeway  
CC: Commander Chakotay  
From: Lieutenant Commander Tuvok, Head of Security   
Subject: Recent acts of violence  
Time Sent: 11:15 hours  
  
Captain, Commander,   
As usual, I made my regular rounds of the ship. When I neared the Messhall, I found a particuarlary interesting sight: Lieutenants Paris and Torres and Seven of Nine in a fight right inside the doors.  
I, of course, stopped them immediately. But I believe that their continued presence within range of each other will be a harm to the ship.  
It is my recommendation that they be confined to quarters- logically, seperate ones- until a time specified by you. At this point in time, I shall not let them out without proper security escort.  
I await your discision, Captain, Commander.  
But I must say one thing, human/klingon mating rituals and rights are are very puzzling...  
  
Lieutenant Commander Tuvok, Cheif of Security, Starship Voyager  
  
  
  
* * * *  
  
To: Kat Janeway  
From: Harry  
Subject: Dinner still on?  
Time sent: 11:16  
  
Hello love :)  
Is dinner still on tonite? I'm looking forward to it, hun.  
By the way, what's all the hubub with Bee, Tom, and Seven? Did Sev pick a fight with Bee and Tom get his arse whopped trying to be macho?  
I miss you, darling. See you soon...if the evil captain doesn't make me pull double shifts ;-)  
  
~Harr  
  
* * * *   
  
  
  
Hehe that's all folks! I might write some more, I dunno. We'll see how this one hits it off first. Thanks! ~Kendal~  
7:27 PM 8/27/01 


	2. Part Two: Chakotay and Betsy square off

What Really Goes on Onboard Voyager, A PADD Story  
  
Part Two  
  
To: The Doctor  
From: Commander Chakotay  
Subject: Please save me!  
Time sent: 16:43 hours  
  
Oh Spirits! Doctor, she's chasing me! She's got Betsy and I'm headed towards your direction! Please Please PLEASE get her off of my tail!  
  
Desperate (a.k.a. Chakotay)  
  
* * * *  
  
To: Chakotay  
From: Tom   
Subject: Memorial  
Time sent 16:44  
  
Hello, Chakotay,  
I need to know a few things before you set down your PADD.  
1: What kind of flowers shall I get for your memorial? Pansies really suit you, y'know  
2: Music  
3: Who's going to do the Eulogy since she is going to kill you…  
  
Oh, and Neelix wants to know what kind of food you want to be served at the reception.  
  
Cya if you make it away from her alive!  
  
* * * *  
  
To: Commander Chakotay  
From: Emergency Medical Hologram of Voyager  
Subject: RE: Please save me!  
Time sent: 1654 hours  
  
While it would violate my ethical subroutines, I do believe you deserve what she is going to give you. I'm sorry, Commander- you're on your own.  
  
Have a nice day!  
  
----Old Message----  
To: The Doctor  
From: Commander Chakotay  
Subject: Please save me!  
Time sent: 16:43 hours  
  
Oh Spirits! Doctor, she's chasing me! She's got Betsy and I'm headed towards your direction! Please Please PLEASE get her off of my tail!  
  
Desperate (a.k.a. Chakotay)  
  
  
To: Chakotay  
From: Senior Staff, minus Capt. Janeway  
Subject: Don't get us involved!  
Time sent: 1700 hours  
  
Commander, The Senior Staff of Voyager is now officially declaring itself neutral in all proceedings between you and…*clears throat* Her.   
By the way, if you think what she's doing to you is her worst…I suggest you look at Harry next time he comes near you. Note the blue crew cut….  
  
Sincerely,  
Tuvok, Tom, B'Elanna, Harry, Doc, Seven, Neelix  
  
* * *  
  
To: Crew Manifest, minus Chakotay  
From: Captain Janeway  
Subject: Practical Jokes  
Time sent: 1745  
  
Hello crew, this is the Captain speaking.  
Regarding the practical jokes that have been going on, I am now putting an end to them.  
Commander Chakotay has surrendered to the Women, and we know what this means. All men are required to look into their closet, and take the pre-replicated old-style uniform out and wear it for the specified time- which was, I believe, 3 weeks.  
Girls, I believe there is a celebration we must attend…?  
  
Captain Janeway, Victor, and Leader of the Women  
  
* * * *  
  
To: Janeway  
From: Chakotay  
Subject: Evil!!  
Time sent: 1800  
  
Kathryn! Now, I don't really mind wearing dresses- I did it at the Academy for the weekly parties- but shaving my legs?!?!   
I don't even know HOW to use this damnable razor! HELP!  
  
~Chakotay  
  
* * * *  
  
To: Chakotay, Cinderella  
From: Kathryn, the Fairy Godmother  
Subject:   
Time sent: 1806 hours  
  
Oh, helpless males!  
Just do as you would do if you were shaving your face! Sheesh!  
Must I do everything?!  
  
~Kathryn  
  
-----Original Message-----  
To: Janeway  
From: Chakotay  
Subject: Evil!!  
Time sent: 1800  
  
Kathryn! Now, I don't really mind wearing dresses- I did it at the Academy for the weekly parties- but shaving my legs?!?!   
I don't even know HOW to use this damnable razor! HELP!  
  
~Chakotay  
  
* * * *  
  
To: Crew Manifest  
From: Emergency Medical Hologram of Voyager  
Subject: The 'Prank Wars' and their consequences.  
Time Sent: 18:31  
  
I hope you are happy! Commander Chakotay, in a shaving incident, has lost a darn near lot of blood from the razor! He was moaning along the way about fitting into his stockings…. Whatever that means.  
So As the CMO, I am prohibiting the use of razors. Just come down and I'll stop the hair growth on that particular area of skin..Bikini areas not included.  
And for people like Mr. Paris that are going bald…well, I can't help you or else I'd have helped myself first  
I truly think this is a learning experience for you all. What did you learn?  
Don't shave if you don't know how to work a triple-bladed razor!!  
  
~Doctor  



End file.
